Review of Kim of Soft Touch Bodyworks, Northampton

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The simplest shower I have ever used - you press one button to start it; one button to stop it. None of these fiddly dials which require the skills of a safe cracker. A joy to use. 9/10

Friendly blonde in her thirties. Not anorexic.

It was Wednesday. My eyes wandered across the heavenly creation before me, admiring the sensual curves that flowed like molten candle-wax into a form of such beauty that my senses ached to touch it. I slipped the key into the ignition and pressed the giggle button. The Ducati 848 roared into life. I put on my helmet and gloves, then threw my leg across the bike. I tapped it into first gear, gave it some revs, and let out the clutch. I shot down the lane, up the hill, and through the tight chicane. As I exited the bend, I gave it too much throttle and the cold rear tyre momentarily stepped out of line. I felt a sudden chill down my back as if someone had climbed aboard and wrapped their icy fingers around me. I suspected it was the Harvester of Souls. This was not the first time this week I'd felt his presence.

When I reached Northampton, I called the parlour and Kim answered. She had a good phone manner; she was helpful, informative, and gave good directions.

When I arrived at the parlour she explained the menu system without sounding bored. I should point out that a basic 30 minute massage with HR is ?25. This is ridiculously cheap, so I paid an extra ?20 for oral so at least she'd make some money. Once inside the room, she provided me with a towel and brought me an orange juice (which most maids seem to forget).

Once I'd showered, Kim returned to the room. She put on some decent music and undressed. She gave me a massage with oil. It became evident almost immediately that Kim has not had any training as a masseuse. Her technique was to smear oil up and down my legs and up and down my back. This was neither firm nor erotic.
"Do you ever go near the Danger Zone?" I asked.
"I do."
I opened my legs and raised my hips. She tickled my perineum and ball-bag. It felt like she did this with just one finger, which was unusual.
"Would you like to massage my shoulders?" I asked.
"I'd be happy too."
She massaged my shoulders quite gently.
"You can be as firm as you like," I advised.
She did it firmer.
When I turned over, she smeared some oil on my thighs for a couple of minutes, then opened a condom and rolled it on with her mouth. Then she bobbed her head up and down for a while. There was no variety - no scrotum squeezing or eye contact. After 5 minutes I asked to finish with an oily handjob. This felt very nice and was done at a decent pace, but not too furious. Inevitably, I spurted. Well, to be accurate, I oozed.

I angst over recommendations. Usually, if a girl is friendly and tries to provide a good service (even if it falls a bit short of the mark) then I will recommend her. But on what grounds can I recommend Kim? Her massage was hapless, and her WG skills below par. I will definitely return to Soft Touch but I'll book a girl who is more to my taste. On a positive note, I'd give Kim 10/10 for her maiding skills.